Humor · Twisted Logic

Updated Feb 12th, 2025

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

When you read the fine print you get an education. If you do not read the fine print you get experience.

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.
Herb Caen



Dead Horse Syndrome


The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. But in modern business (and education and government) heavy investment or other considerations may encourage other strategies:
  • Buying a stronger whip.
  • Changing riders.
  • Threatening the horse with termination.
  • Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  • Visiting other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  • Lowering the standards to include dead horses.
  • Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."
  • Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  • Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
  • Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
  • Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
  • Declaring that the dead horse requires less overhead and therefore contributes more to the bottom line.
  • Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
  • Promoting the dead horse to management

Inflation explained


It’s been said that if all the economists in the country were laid end-to-end, they wouldn’t reach a conclusion. Here is a straightforward mathematical formula for inflation. We know that:
  • $1 = 100 cents

The rules of algebra say if we take the square root of both sides the result is still equal:

  • $1 = 10 cents

Repeat the square root as desired.


1+1=1


We start with a simple equation:
  • a = b

Multiply both sides by a:

  • a² = ab

Subtract b² from both sides:

  • a² - b² = ab - b²

Factor:

  • (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)

Drop (a-b) term from both sides:

  • a + b = b

Since a=b, substitute a for b:

  • a + a = a

if a=1, then 1+1=1


Political Prevaricator Test
Are you a potential political prevaricator? Take this test to find out.


When accused of lying, do you:
Say the opposite.
Deny that you ever said such a thing.
Accuse your accusers of fabricating the evidence against you.

When in a difficult predicament, do you
Form a committee to study it.
Deny that anything is wrong.
Declare an emergency and proclaim yourself the hero.

When your projects fail, do you
Talk about another project that didn’t fail.
Deny that anything is wrong.
Blame it on your opponents.

If someone challenges your position on an issue, do you
Change your position.
Deny that you ever believed such a thing.
Declare that anyone who disagrees is unpatriotic.

If someone questions your methods of achieving a goal, do you
Claim that alternatives would be even worse.
Deny that anything is wrong.
Accuse them of trying to deprive the public of the benefits of your goal.

If you need more money for a program, do you
Look for ways to curb wasteful spending.
Take money from another program.
Propose a tax increase for emergency services, then redirect money to your program.

If you have trouble getting support for your programs or legislation, do you
Link it to another popular or important program.
Forget the whole thing and deny there’s a problem.
Get a celebrity endorsement.

If at first you don’t succeed, do you
Blame your opponents.
Lower your standards.
Change the rules.

Compromise means
Making accusations until your opponents give in.
Dismissing anyone who disagrees as "not a team player".
Holding out for the right price.


If Refrigerator Ads were like Political Ads


If it’s good enough for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income, it ought to be good enough for choosing a home appliance.

ColdBlaster vs. FreezeMonster

  • FreezeMonster has sloppy quality control. How do you know the light really goes off when you close the door?
  • FreezeMonster’s CEO had an affair with his secretary. ColdBlaster shares your family values.
  • FreezeMonster is just too extreme. Their cold control goes way below freezing.
  • FreezeMonster is anti-worker. They hire very few repair people.
  • You can’t trust FreezeMonster. They won’t divulge how their refrigerators work, hiding behind "patents" and "trade secrets".
  • FreezeMonster is racist. They offer fewer color choices. If you ask them, of course they’ll deny it, but actions speak louder than words.
  • FreezeMonster thinks they know better than you and assumes their shelf system will be right for everybody. ColdBlaster gives you a rebate to reduce the cost of shelves purchased from third parties.

We’ve all heard the concerns about FreezeMonster over and over. We all know where there’s smoke there’s fire. You don’t want a fire in your refrigerator. You want a ColdBlaster.

I’m the CEO of ColdBlaster and I approved this ad.

If it’s not good enough for choosing a refrigerator, why is it OK for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income?


Simplified Sports Playoffs


If it’s good enough for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income, it ought to be good enough for choosing the best sports team.

Simple and Foolproof

Sports playoffs are too complicated. It takes months and many games to determine a champion. The statistics and analysis amuse sports nerds but others know the final score is all that matters. This new simplified system will determine a champion in a week. All teams are paired up and play one game. The two teams with the highest scores then play each other for the championship.

If it’s not good enough for choosing a sports champion, why is it OK for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income?


The Democracy Cafe


If it’s good enough for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income, it ought to be good enough for choosing your next meal.

Hello and welcome to the Democracy Cafe. Would you like the meatloaf or the vegetable lasagna?

Could we see a menu?

Oh, we don’t have menus. Our lunch customers vote on a list of entrees and we offer the two most popular choices for dinner.

Meatloaf was the most popular?

Yes. It got 13 votes.

How many people usually eat lunch here?

About 120.

Meatloaf is popular because it got 13 votes out of 120?

Of course. Not all our customers want to vote. Today, 65 customers participated in our dinner primary. That’s over half. You’re lucky. Most days only 20-30% vote.

But still, how does 13 out of 65 votes make meatloaf popular? That’s only 20% of the votes. How many votes did the lasagna get?

10 votes.

So meatloaf and lasagna combined got a total of 23 votes out of 65? Almost 2/3 of the people who voted selected something else. How does that make anything popular?

That’s democracy. You’re not a socialist are you?

We try to avoid red meat and high-calorie foods. We heard this place makes terrific roasted chicken. Does democracy mean we have to order something we don’t like?

Consider the advantages. You only have two selections to evaluate. I can tell you where the vegetables were grown, how they were fertilized, when the cow was killed and even its name. Let’s keep this simple. You mentioned you try to avoid red meat and high-calorie foods. Which do you avoid most?

What we avoid most is restaurants that won’t let us order something we like. Goodbye!

What about my tip?

A few days later, our intrepid diners decided to try lunch at the Democracy Cafe.

Hello and welcome to the Democracy Cafe. What would you like?

It’s nice to see so many options. We’ll have the chicken mole.

Excellent choice. Your food will be ready soon.

They were soon served large plates of shrimp scampi.

We ordered chicken mole!

I know. We’re very sorry but we just ran out of chicken.

I understand these things happen, but we’d like to see the menu again and order something else. I’m allergic to seafood.

Perhaps you don’t understand democracy. There are no second choices. If your original selection isn’t available, you’ll get the dish selected most often by the other customers. You can still eat the vegetables and pasta.

If I eat anything that touched the shrimp, I could die!

In that case, you’ll just have to return another time and try again. Will this be cash or charge?

Send the bill to my lawyer! Goodbye!

What about my tip?

If it’s not good enough for choosing your next meal, why is it OK for choosing the people who run the country and influence our jobs, education, health care, mortgages and retirement income?